After Virmire
by icaughtfire31
Summary: Just some Shenko smut. Takes place right after Virmire. I know that this isn't the actual timeline. Rated M for a reason.


"Tell me you didn't choose me because…because of us?" Kaidan said, his voice pleading.

Shepard shot him a warning look that told him to shut up. The crew shuffled into the com room and sat in their usual seats. Everyone was silent and kept their eyes on the floor. Shepard guessed they wanted to avoid the empty chair. The absence of the usual chatter was deafening. Shepard pulled up the vidcom and dialed up Anderson. She gave him the rundown, leaving no detail out. Shepard knew she would have to face an inquiry about this. That's how it always was when you lost someone under your command.

"Sounds like you did everything you could," Anderson said calmly. "You stopped him for now."

Shepard nodded, but the lump growing in her throat prevented her from speaking. She could hear someone, Liara probably, crying softly behind her.

"Send me your report," Anderson said, "but get some rest first." His holograph image faded away.

Shepard inhaled deeply before turning around to face her crew. All of their faces were pale and ghostly. "I need your mission reports by 2200 hours tonight," she said, her voice a hoarse whisper, "dismissed." They dispersed quickly, all probably eager to get out of their sweaty armor. Soon she and Kaidan were the only ones left in the big, round room.

"Have something you'd like to discuss, Lieutenant?" Shepard asked. Usually she would have been happy for his company, but right now she just wants to be alone. Her throat burns where Saren strangled her, and she wants nothing more than to take a scalding hot shower to burn off the feeling of complete failure.

"Tell me that Williams is not dead because of me," Kaidan said.

"Of course not," she said, her voice stern, "why would you think that?"

Kaidan stood up quickly, knocking his chair over in the process, "How could I not think that? She was the obvious choice, Shepard. Why did you choose me?"

Shepard was suddenly angry, "I don't have to justify my decisions to you!" She paced across the room and looked out the window, at the stars passing by the ship silently. Ash would never see those stars again. "You're dismissed, Lieutenant," she said in a softer tone. She couldn't bring herself to call him Kaidan right now.

"It was because of us, then?"

Rage boiled in her stomach, bile rose in her throat. She rounded on him, grabbed him by the front of his armor, and pulled him down so his face was level with hers. "You have some fucking nerve," she spat, "I could kick you off my ship for insubordination, you know that?"

"Just tell me," Kaidan pleaded. His face was flushed, his voice thick with emotion. "Just tell me why you chose me, please. Ash was a great officer, talented, young…she was only twenty-five." His voice broke on the last word as a tear rolled down his cheek and splashed onto her hand.

"And you're only thirty-two," Shepard yelled. She yanked him closer so their noses almost touched, "this was my decision, Ash's death is on me, not you. You got that?"

Shepard didn't know how it happened, but the next second, Kaidan had closed the distance between their mouths and was kissing her fiercely. Shepard was shocked, but responded by wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her lips firmly into his, and opened to him. Heat began to grow in her stomach, spreading into her chest and creeping down between her legs. She hadn't been aware of how much she wanted him, _needed_ him.

Kaidan's fingers were fumbling with the latch on her armor, trying to pry it open. She helped him with it hastily, without breaking the tight seal their lips had made. Her breastplate clanged to the floor, cold air rolled over her and caused her sweaty skin to erupt into goose bumps. Kaidan's hands were on her breasts, cupping them and squeezing them roughly through her tank top. Shepard moaned into his mouth, and dug her fingernails into his shoulders, though he couldn't feel much through his thick biotic suit. Now he was ripping off the armor that covered her legs, leaving her only in her spandex shorts she wore underneath.

Kaidan grabbed her around the waist and lifted her up, causing Shepard to wrap her legs around his waist for balance. He backed her up against the wall, pressing her firmly into place. His mouth traveled from her lips to her earlobe, where he found that sweet spot that made Shepard inhale sharply. Kaidan didn't even pause what he was doing, and began to kiss and lick the thin skin of her collarbone.

"Kaidan," she moaned. She was on fire for him; her whole body ached for him. "Kaidan," she repeated, and she wanted to tell him everything; how she felt for him, how afraid she was, the fact that she picked him because she couldn't imagine her life without him anymore. But she didn't say any of that. Instead, she squeezed her legs tighter around him, and could feel how hard he was against her. Kaidan's mouth was travelling lower, over her tank top, where her nipples protruded like tiny missiles. He nibbled one through the fabric. Shepard bucked her hips against him roughly, rubbing herself against his erection desperately. She couldn't take it anymore.

Shepard clenched one fist in his hair, giving herself some leverage to reach the other hand down the front of his pants, stroking him inside his suit. It was Kaidan's turn to moan now, and the vibrations tickled Shepard's neck so much she nearly laughed. She held it back, though, and pulled Kaidan's cock up out of his waistband. She frantically pumped her fists up and down his length, and he lifted his head again to kiss her on the mouth. Their tongues danced around each other, their breathing became ragged, and Shepard was sure the room was heavy with the smell of sweat. Finally, Kaidan backed away slightly and forced Shepard's shorts lower. She kicked herself free of them and Kaidan slammed her against the wall again, almost too hard.

Shepard felt Kaidan poised to enter her, and opened her eyes to look at him. His deep brown eyes were full of lust and sorrow at the same time. Kaidan slid into her slowly, at the same time a molten tear slid down Shepard's face. "I hate you," she whispered, and at that moment she really did. She hated him so much. She hated his eyes, she hated the five o'clock shadow that was stinging her face when they kissed; she hated his laugh, his voice, his scent. Mostly though, she hated him for making her feel this way, so out of control of her own emotions. Shepard buried her face into his neck as he began to thrust into her. It felt just as good as she always thought it would, just as perfect, and she hated him for that, too.

Kaidan groaned against her, his pace already becoming frenzied and she knew he would be done soon. Shepard moved her hips in time with his, forcing him in deeper and deeper. Their bodies slapped together loudly, and she hoped to god nobody was hovering outside the door. Shepard bit the heel of her hand to stifle her sounds, capturing Kaidan's head in the crook of her elbow and forcing him to moan into her neck. He thrust into her hard, bringing her to the edge. "I hate you," she mumbled, as more tears rolled down her face. Stars burst in front of her eyes and her whole body tensed and released as an orgasm flooded her body. "I hate you," she repeated, because that was the only thing she could say, "I hate you." She clenched her muscles deliberately around Kaidan's cock, bringing him to the edge as well. He thrust into her forcefully. Two hard, deep thrusts and he came with a loud moan into her neck. Kaidan collapsed onto her, and she was pinned against the wall by his weight. Shepard could feel his breath ragged against her neck, and she bit into her hand harder to stifle the sobs that she could no longer control.

Eventually Kaidan straightened up and gently lowered her to the floor. Shepard turned away from him quickly, embarrassed by her lack of control. "Shepard…" Kaidan started, as if anything he could say could fix what she had done.

Shepard wiped her cheeks and began to pick up her discarded articles of clothing. "Don't, Kaidan," she said.

"It's not your fault," Kaidan said.

"Yes it is," Shepard said, as she pulled her pants back on. "And don't you ever think it isn't. This is my burden, not yours."

Kaidan seized her elbow lightly, trying to turn her around to him. Shepard refused to let him. '_This is not okay_,' she thought, '_we can't have just fucked in the com room_.'

"I love you," Kaidan said softly.

Shepard pulled her arm from him and scooped up her armor. "Well, don't," she said, and left the room.


End file.
